Am I evil?

Here are some excerps from How to Be a Villain by Neil Zawacki, a present from my parental unit.

Do you have what it takes to be deeply and disturbingly evil? Complete this quick quiz to find out.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

1. Police officer
2. Doctor
3. Ballerina
4. Supreme dark overlord of all mankind, or a lawyer

What are you religious beliefs?

1. Christian, Jewish, Muslim
2. Buddhist, Hindu, pagan
3. Atheist or agnostic
4. I am actually an ancient Babylonian god awoken from a terrible sleep

What would you way is the greatest threat to society today?

1. Crime, drugs, and gangs
2. Multinational corporations
3. Nuclear war
4. Me

It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants walk the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. Civilization as you know it is over. What do you do?

1. Vow to someday rebuild society
2. Double over in grief and wait for a merciful death
3. Try to remember the plot to The Road Warrior
4. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Answers

Mostly As, Bs, or Cs: Unfortunately you do not possess the necessary qualities to be a supervillian. Please continue exploring your inner evil and try again next year.

Mostly Cs: Excellent. You are predestined to menace society.

Widespread Misery

Politics – Perhaps the best way to promote universal suffering is through politics. As a high-ranking politician, you’ll enjoy the freedom to indulge your every evil impulse. Rather than go through the arduous task of building up your own army of thugs, you can use your nation’s existing military forces to do your bidding. Best of all, most top political positions come with an evil lair all set up and ready for occupancy. Crowds will gather to hear you pronounce you evil dictates. Even the political vehicle of choice, the black limousine, suits your dark persona perfectly.

Evil Henchmen Guide

Mutant Race – These unholy abominations are perfect for the evil genius who likes messing with God’s creations. Using genetic realignment, create an army of cat people, fish people, alligator people, or even walking tree people, as your needs require. Particularly suited to living on desert islands, these hybrids possess the best of both worlds and tend to be faster, stronger, and just plain better than any human troops could ever hope to be. Be forewarned, however, that they can be rebellious. Manage them with tough lone and you should avoid most uprisings. To be extra safe, include a doomsday gene that enables you to wipe them out with the push of a button.

Ninjas – A favorite for good reason, ninjas have style, dash, and more than a little skill in the fighting arts. These masters of assassination will bring death on silent wings, eliminating your enemies and defending your base with ease. They can also be used for spying purposes, with most of them able to become invisible and to scramble up walls like a spider. A true force to be reckoned with, it’s no wonder ninjas have won “Henchmen of the Year” more often than any of their rivals.

Demented Clowns – Children have long known the truth: Clowns are evil. As such, they can make excellent henchmen for all your nightmarish needs. Perfect for terrifying young and old alike, these monstrous fiends relish in hiding under beds and are capable of performing the vilest acts, including those that make more traditional henchmen balk. With their enormous floppy shoes, deranged laughter, and greasepaint smiles, they can transform the bravest of heroes into a fetal, whimpering ball.

Mean English Teachers – These sadistic henchmen are perfect for when you want to inflict the greatest amount of pain possible. They are arrogant, humorless, and ridiculously strict, insulting their pupil’s intelligence because they couldn’t become writers themselves. They can extinguish any sense of creativity once held by an individual, as well as transform previously enjoyable literary works into nightmares of horror and confusion. Their monotonous tones are capable of driving even the sanest person to the brink of insanity, useful when you are in need of a torture master. Long after a child has grown up and become a hero, the sign of a mean English teacher continues to cause fear and discomfort.